now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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