I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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