i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
