Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
