just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Sex while Star Warsing is the best
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
