alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
pray to the hookup gods
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
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