My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
