got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
