I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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