My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Please don't give away my fajitas
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