i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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