Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Randomize
