Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Randomize
