What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
