I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
I believe in your delicious
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Randomize
