i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
