Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You smell like stripper and shame
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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