There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
