Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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