i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
