There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
