My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
