watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
