Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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