I faked an abortion last night.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Randomize
