i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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