I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
It was just another case of she fell in love I fell asleep.
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