ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
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