awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
