There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
