She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
