so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
