I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
