look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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