I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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