I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
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