I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Randomize
