He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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