What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
Randomize
