Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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