found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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