Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
