Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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