I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
