Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The power of my boobs compel you
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
