Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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