I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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