for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
