last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
