It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
