Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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