my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
