I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
