if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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