I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
