Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
