Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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