i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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