She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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