Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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