I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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