Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
