alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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