i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Your cock deserves a montage
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
